REVIEW: Last week we saw the first five points: 1) Invest in your own joy, 2) be wise yourself, 3) build your home out of wisdom, 4) train their actions in wisdom, and 5) train their hearts in wisdom. This week I want to finish #6, “Train them to honor you,” and 7 “Discipline them.” Then we’ll take a special look at that most tricky verse, Proverbs 22:6, “Train a child in the way they should go and they won’t depart from it when they are old.”
#6: TRAIN THEM TO HONOR YOU
Train them to honor you. One of the 10 commandments is to honor your father and mother (Ex 20; Dt 5), which the NT references again and again (Mk 7; Eph 6). It’s important. And it starts when you’re born – learning to honor your father and mother. Fathers and mothers are wise to teach their children to honor them. Proverbs 20:20 says, “If someone curses their father or mother their lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness.” Chapter 30 says the same thing in several verses.
Train children to speak respectfully to you, to obey you (our next point), and to value you. You really see the idea of teaching you child to value you as the Proverbs father says over and over “My son, listen to me….take to heart what I say….do not let go of my teachings….”
Don’t just teach your kids to brush their teeth and potty train them. “Honor-train” them – teach them to honor you. Don’t just make them get their homework done and do their chores, teach them to honor you.
I see it far too much that parents allow their children to disrespect them and defy them. Kids with no manners, no obedience, who are self-willed, don’t listen, and run all over their parents because their parents do not exercise their God-given authority and make their children obey. My brother still laughs about something Annie told him years back about parenting: “I’m bigger than them, stronger than them, smarter than them and faster. I will win.”
Teach them from an early age to listen to you. Teach them to respect you. Teach them to value you. Kids do not naturally behave. Here are some very practical and specific tips we picked up along the way I’ll share with other parents of young kids:
- Kids are not allowed to tell parents “No.” And that includes ignoring parents, which is a silent “No.” Actually, something we adopted very early when we saw it done by some other parents is a child has to respond verbally with, “Yes Dad” or “Yes Mom.” When called, or asked to do something, or told to do something, not only is “No” or ignoring not allowed, but “Yes Dad” is required.
The value of this is enormous. While saying “No” psychologically reinforces a rebellious attitude, saying “Yes” psychologically reinforces a respectful and cooperative attitude. The reason for many children the word “No” is the first word they say and they say it so much is because it is said to them so much (“No, take that out of your mouth” and “No, don’t touch that!”). Its an easy word to say, its said to them all the time, and, it expresses the sinful attitude of rebellion in them.
So train them early on to say “Yes Mom” in response to you and it will help train their minds and hearts in the habit of being respectful and cooperative. Now, there are lots of times where the kids can wait to either come or do something we are asking them to do. “Levi, can you please take out the trash?” “Yes Dad. Can I do it in a minute since I have a couple minutes left in my video?” “No problem.” - Another rule we picked up is don’t count. Kids should learn to obey right away. Counting teaches kids that they don’t have to respond for however long you’re willing to count. It is training them to delay obedience. The idea here is that delayed obedience is disobedience.
- Don’t bribe kids into obedience. If little Timmy isn’t eating his peas don’t all of a sudden pull out the promise he can play video games afterward if he does eat them. He will eat all his peas because that’s what he has to do. You have to do things in life that you don’t want to do.
Let me clarify, this is different than rewarding kids and commending good behavior. It’s one thing to tell my child that there is a reward for doing “x” and that’s the agreement up front. Or to surprise my child with a reward after they’ve obeyed. But those are different than me failing to make my child do what I’ve said, and then helplessly begging, pleading, bargaining with my child. Use you’re authority. - Don’t allow pestering. Your “No” means No and your “Yes” means “Yes.” Kids need to respect their parent’s decision and not think they can wear us down by pestering. You have to see pestering for what it is: rejecting our decision. Allowing pestering trains a child to think that they do NOT have to accept what we say – decisions, rules, commands – and that all they have to do is wear us down. Do not train your child to reject your authority by allowing them to pester
- Similarly, don’t distract them with something good after telling them “No” on something else. I’ve seen it where a parent or grandparent feels bad for the kid being told No, and to distract the kid from the disappointment they quickly give them a phone, video game, ice cream or whatever.
You know what you teach a kid by doing this? You teach them to avoid feelings of disappointment by immediately seeking out some diversion or pleasure. There are life-destroying diversions that adults turn to when as adults they don’t know what to do with “not getting what they want.” Kids need to learn how to sit in and process disappointment.
As they grow up, not getting everything they want, you also teach them how to self-reflect, and examine their “wants,” and to re-order their desires, and grow their character. Kids need to learn how to handle not getting what they want. This starts when they’re young and they want some candy in a store that you say “No” to, or make them finish their food when they don’t want to. But as they get older it becomes things like handling setbacks, failures…maybe failing a class, not making a team, not winning some competition, or some plans not turning out like they hoped. How do they process that? Have they been distracted and insulated their entire lives from disappointment and so they have no equipment for handling it?
Do not divert their attention to some pleasure simply to distract them from disappointment they feel. Don’t train them to never learn what to do with it. God help society if they grow up never learning how to handle not getting everything they want, thinking they deserve whatever they want, and throwing adult-level fits when they don’t get it. Instead, train your kids how to handle that feeling of disappointment from not getting what they want. - Absolutely, do not allow a child to come ask you for something the other parent already told them “No.” That is manipulation, and an attempt to divide and conquer. From the kid’s side, it’s genius strategy – if they don’t get found out. But think about what this is: its another form of rejecting your authority and decision. Let me drill down specifically. Never undermine the other parent’s decision. Never. Whether you agree or not. Never. Reinforce their decision, and then take it a step further by giving consequences for even trying to go get a different answer from the other parent. The goal is not you reinforcing what your spouse already said. The goal is that you don’t even have to because you don’t allow a child to ask the other parent.
Teach your kids to honor you. Train them to do it by the way they respond to you, respect you, follow what you say.
APPLICATION: Be worthy of honor, respect and value. Teach them, yes, to honor, respect and value you. But be worthy of it.
APPLICATION: Find your honor as a parent in your child’s godly way of honoring you. Don’t look for it in your child being the best athlete, or making the most money, or getting into the best college, or being the smartest, or any of the dozen other ways we as parents try to find our honor through our kids. Let us find our honor in their walking in wisdom and honoring us as their parents.
#7: DISCIPLINE THEM IN WISDOM
You have authority, use it. You’re obligated to use it. Use your authority to form, cultivate, shape your child’s obedience to wisdom. Discipline can take many forms from simply teaching and explaining, to verbal corrections and reprimands, to deprivation of privileges and things they want, to spanking.
You have to be willing to take things away. You have to patiently explain, teach and re-explain and re-teach again and again. You have to correct and reprimand over and over again. You have to be committed to the long-term, keeping in mind that what you told them today you will have to tell them tomorrow again. Good habits are formed over seasons, not overnight. You have to be willing to reach their heart through their behinds too.
We believe in spanking because the Bible teaches it and it flat out works when done right.
- Don’t have exaggerated, inflammatory misconceptions about discipline, Proverbs 23:13 says, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die.”
- Parental love is expressed in discipline, Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
- Discipline prevents their death, and their self-destruction, Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death.”
- Discipline drives evil away, “Proverbs 20:30 says, “Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.”
- Discipline drives foolishness away, 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.”
- Discipline makes them wise, 29:15, “A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.”
- Failing to discipline creates insolence, 29:21 says, “A servant pampered from youth will turn out to be insolent.”
A word on spanking. All these verses not only give permission to spank, but even put the obligation on us. Spanking is a tool in your toolbox, not the only tool. Here are some thoughts:
First, spanking is not abuse and not being able to see the difference is a problem with the parent. Someone who does not spank does not love their child more than someone who does. They avoid spanking for their own sake, not the child’s – and I can’t imagine any child never needing at any time in their childhood a spanking.
Second, spanking done the right way: in love, controlled, clearly explained to the child, to correct is incredibly valuable. Spanking has produced a wonderful bond and loving obedience.
Third, never spank to vent your anger. Spanking is always done out of love and a desire to correct and form the right behavior.
Hebrews 12 and the discipline of our heavenly Father.