WISDOM & MARRIAGE (Part 2)
At home we love puzzles. But, with 7 kids, a dog and some chickens puzzle pieces have a tendency to get mixed up. One time we were working an easy 300 piece puzzle. We were doing what we usually do, arguing over who sits where, racing each other to get the parts of the picture we wanted put together and so on. As we neared the end of the puzzle we saw that pieces were missing. But at the same time we had extra pieces that didn’t fit anywhere. We had tried those pieces numerous times but figured we just hadn’t found their spot yet. Then we realized at the end that those were pieces to a different puzzle. They had the same colors, and generally looked like they were part of this picture. But when it came down to it, they weren’t. Sometimes in our Christian life we can build the picture with the wrong pieces. This is true in marriage too. Our Christian marriages need to exclude things that don’t belong in the picture we’re supposed to be building, and they should include those pieces that do belong in our picture.
Last week we saw the first 3 points: 1) See each other as God’s good, 2) Praise each other, 3) Forgive each other.
#4: CHARACTER
The fourth way we have a wise marriage is if we make our character a priority. Proverbs 31:10 emphasizes the great worth of character, “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” You can’t put a price on noble character. Proverbs 12:4 says, “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” Good character does good to your spouses bones, bad character is bad for their bones.
The reference to his bones is fitting, since God created Eve out of Adam’s rib, and when Adam laid eyes on Eve for the first time, he declared, “She is bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh.” But a wife who has great character, the Proverb says, is a crown to her husband. And that is such a great way to describe her, since Eve was the crown of all creation. She was the last thing created by God, and then God declared everything very good AFTER she was created. A noble wife is a crown to her husband in the life they have together.
Another one is Proverbs 31:11,which says, “Her husband has full confidence in her,” which is because of her outstanding character. His trust in her is directly because of her trustworthiness – a trustworthiness that is the result of her great character.
Now, as a sidepoint, someone might ask, “How come there’s a Proverbs 31 woman but not a Proverbs 31 man? How come women have this woman as a role model but men don’t have one?” To which I would reply there is not a Proverbs 31 man, but read the whole book! Its all directed to men! There is not a Proverbs 31 man, but there is a Proverbs 1-30 man!
Here’s the point: Good marriages are built on good character. That’s true in every relationship: church leadership, fellowship in church, friendships, parenting, spiritual growth – our character is the constant focus of God as He forms Christ’s character in us. So when character becomes primary in our marriages, husbands and wives become crowns and the strength of each other’s bones. Part of having good character is growing further in good character. So as time goes on marriage grows you, matures you, deepens you.
APPLICATION: Is your own character a focus in your marriage?
APPLICATION: Hard season in marriage are won by character. Character gets you through, and they build your character even more.
#5: BUILD PEACE
Fifth, a wise marriage builds and maintains peace. Turn to some passages with me, 15:16, 17; 21:9; 25:24; 27:15-16; 30:23
The value of peace is expressed in such pithy ways in Proverbs. You would rather have peace than a higher standard of living. You would rather be poor and have peace in your home, than be rich with daily arguing, fighting, anger, resentment and hostility at home. Peace is far, far more valuable.
I would offer two ways that peace can be maintained, drawn from these verses. First, keep priorities in order for your home. Second, stop quarreling. First, keep priorities in order, meaning work hard and make a living but don’t make getting rich and achieving the highest levels your priorities if it means sacrificing your marriage and kids to get it. Maybe getting rich isn’t your thing, but are side-interests actually the center of your life? Hobbies, recreation, sports, etc? Be intentional and attentive to your spouse and especially building peace.
Second, stop quarreling. Husbands and wives need to stop quarreling. Now, there is a particular emphasis in Proverbs on wives who are quarrelsome. So I’m not a feminist and so am not going to jump to immediately saying, “Well, men too need to not be quarrelsome.” Although that’s true. And we’ll get to that anyway. But I’m going to say to wives that there is a reason the Holy Spirit inspired book of Proverbs emphasizes wives who are quarrelsome. Take note, and if that is you, then repent. Take that anger and fear to God and trust Him.
But trust me, men are quarrelsome too! Certain men are combative and love to argue. They love to be right and they love to dominate. Men have frustrations and anger issues and so anything – everything – becomes a chance to vent.
APPLICATION: use your words to build peace, not war. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” We spent 2 weeks on how we use words, so I won’t labor this point. I’ll just say, use your words to make your home a home of peace.
APPLICATION: The fear, the insecurity, the anger, the resentment, all need to be confessed and repented of. Trust in God, graciousness towards your spouse, forgiveness, identity and security in Christ all need to be adopted.
#6: BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER
This leads to our next point, Be Good To Each Other. Turn to Proverbs 31:12, “She brings him good, not harm…” You are acting wise in your marriage when you are being good to your spouse. The same point is brought out in other verses but using the negative. For instance, Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”
Do good to each other. Be a good person (character!). Talk good good to each other.
I would pause here and properly ground all this in theology. Creation demands this goodness: a woman was created to complete and bring to full goodness man’s existence. Thus women are designed to bring good to and be good to their husbands. Marriages are pictures of the marriage of Jesus and His Bride, the Church. Jesus brings His Bride good, speaks good things to her, and does good things for her, and so husbands are to bring good to and be good to their wives. Going even higher, God is good. He is good to the righteous and the wicked. And in marriage we are good to our spouse because God is good to us, has been good to us and will always be good.
Be good to each other and bring good to each other!
#7: UNITY IN PARENTING
Here’s a super short point. A wise marriage has unity in parenting children. Proverbs 1:8 says, “My son, listen to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” The father agrees with the teachings, he sees them as wise, and urges his son to take them to heart. No doubt she sees his wisdom as a father the same way, agreeing with it and urging her son to listen to his father. If you want more on parenting you can go check out the two sermons we did on Parenting from Proverbs several weeks ago.
#8: MAKE OTHERS HONOR YOUR SPOUSE (31:23)
Last week we saw that we should praise our spouse. This week, a related point is that we should make others praise and honor our spouse. Turn to Proverbs 31:23, “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”
Behind every good man is a good woman. One of our founding members of this church was a man named Dick Housenga. A great Christian man, and a great personality. He was famous for looking at guys and saying, “I have no idea what she’s doing with you.” This Proverbs 31 husband got all this respect, all this esteem from his peers because they knew how great of a woman he was married to.
APPLICATION: Be such a great person your spouse gets praise because of it
APPLICATION: Speak highly of your spouse to others. Make others think highly of your spouse by how you speak of them
#9: DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY
We covered purity in a two-part series back in September called “Pure” that you can go back and see a full-blown study for sexual purity. Here I’ll cover some things.
First, Marriage is built on trust. The most foundational trust is that your spouse can trust that you are devoted to them and them alone. Proverbs talks more about adultery in the first 9 chapters than any other topic. I counted: in the first 9 chapters of Proverbs, which are a prologue to the whole book, the father spends 60 verses out of 256 warning against adultery. That is about 1 in 4 verses. Doesn’t that say something? You bet it does. Out of the dozens of different subjects addressed in Proverbs adultery gets far more weight than any other in the Prologue.
In Proverbs 31:11 it says this, “Her husband has full confidence in her.” The word confidence in the Hebrew is trust. He has full trust in his wife.
APPLICATION: Always be building trust. Everyday, in every way, think and act so that you are building trust. Give your spouse every reason to trust you – in the things they can see and the things they don’t see – that only God sees. In other words, be worthy of trust when your spouse can’t see what you’re doing – whether its away from them, in another room, or in your head and heart. Jesus said, “I tell you that if you look lustfully at a woman you’ve already committed adultery with her in your heart.” If we look lustfully at anyone other than our spouse we are committing adultery in our hearts – and God counts it as a real form of adultery.
APPLICATION: Build your intimacy. Don’t neglect intimacy (1 Cor 7) and certainly don’t weaponize intimacy – that’s manipulation. But be intentional with intimacy.
Let me walk through 8 points related to adultery in Proverbs 5.
First, kill adultery in the egg. Turn to 5:3-4, (also 11-12). Notice how the father is pointing out that *in the end* his son will regret committing adultery. And from this I think of the other end of such a sad act – the beginning, when adultery was still in the egg. No one ever committed adultery who had not been committing adultery before they committed adultery. They gave into adultery when it was still an egg, when it was the beginnings of adultery – the tempting thoughts, the allowing an inappropriate relationship or attachment to begin with someone, and so on. Instead of smashing the egg they nurtured it. Kill adultery in the egg!
Second, and similar to the first, keep away from adulterous things. Look at 5:8 (and 7:5-9). The point is STAY AWAY. Don’t put yourself near those things. And Don’t put yourself in situations which have more temptation. Don’t justify it or rationalize it because of business, or money, or “you’re stronger than that.” Keep away from adulterous things.
Third, value your honor and dignity over adultery. Turn to 5:9-10.
Fourth, control your heart, your eyes and your ears. Turn to 6:24, 25 and 7:5, 25.
Fifth, count the cost. Keep in clear view the consequences. Meditate on the consequences before you’re tempted. One thing the seduction of sin does is it blurs your vision, blinds you even, to the consequences of sin. It makes you either justify sin, minimize the seriousness of sin, even using grace as a license, or just flat out not even think about the consequences. But Proverbs tells us the consequences are many, and they are serious: forfeiture of dignity and honor (5:9-10); regret (5:11-14); loss of fellowship (5:14); ensnared – in more sin (5:22); loss of wealth (5:10; 6:31); loss of strength – morally, spiritually, physically (31:3); punishment (5:10, 21; 6:31); and death (5:23; 6:26; 7:26-27). Anyone flirting with adultery better take a sober step back and look at what’s coming their way if they keep going.
Sixth, learn to be disgusted by sexual temptation and temptresses. Turn to 11:22 with me. Here Solomon tells us that an immoral beautiful woman’s beauty is like a gold ring and she herself is like a pig. Like a gold ring is wasted on a pig, so too is beauty wasted on her, because she’s a pig. And men need to be disgusted with her for it rather than be intoxicated with her good looks and seduction. This goes the other way too: women need to see men as pigs who are seductive, attentive, and who are trying to lead them into adultery. The point is simple: learn to see the pigs and learn to be disgusted with them – learn to be disgusted with sexual temptation and tempters. Be so conditioned by holiness that such vileness becomes repulsive to you.
ILLUSTRATION: Tuna Helper. I’ve used this illustration before but I like it, and I’m going to use it in a different way here. When I was single I loved Tuna Helper. When I got married Annie wrote it into our vows that Tuna Helper would never be allowed in our house. No Israelite was ever as zealous to get rid of leaven as Annie was to keep out Tuna Helper from our house. Well, after a few years of marriage Annie took Evan and Reese down to Indiana to visit her family. I stayed behind and thought, “Finally, I can have some Tuna Helper!” So I threw on a John Wayne, made up some Tuna Helper, and as I took my first bite I spit it back out. It was disgusting. I thought, “Did they change the recipe?” I didn’t remember it tasting so disgusting. The reality is Tuna Helper was still Tuna Helper like it had always been. But my mouth had been conditioned for several years by better food. I had gotten used to higher quality meals. So when Tuna Helper tempted me it tasted disgusting. Now you couldn’t get me to eat Tuna Helper for anything! The point is this: we need to be conditioned by something better tasting than immorality and adultery and sin. We need to be tasting holiness, and dining on holiness, so that when we are tempted by unholy things they now disgust us.
Seventh, be alert! Turn to 23:28. You cannot be passive. You have to accept you live in a pornographic world and you have to premeditate on how you will respond to temptation because you know temptation is everywhere, waiting to pounce! Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:10, “No temptation has seized you…” Seized means to “take hold of and not let go,” or “to catch.” First Peter 2:11 describes sinful desires “waging war against your souls.” You can’t be tuned out and unready. You have to understand that you have a sin nature inside of you that pumps out evil desires, that you live in a world that is constantly fishing for you with immorality as bait, and that
APPLICATION: Pay attention to be pure.
APPLICATION: Practice modesty. Don’t be someone who causes others to stumble.
Eighth, God sees and God will judge adultery. Looking at 5:21… There is nothing God doesn’t see. He sees everyone we look at, everything we look at, everything we think, everything we feel. Don’t pretend to be pure with your spouse, with other people. Actually be pure. Be pure before God. Second Corinthians 7:1 says, “Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates both body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.”
CONCLUSION
Everyone of us should seek a wise marriage. Proverbs has given us wisdom to have such a marriage. Let us all commit to the wisdom God has given us here. Let us
- See your spouse as God’s good to you
- Praise your spouse
- Forgive your spouse
- Grow in good character
- Build peace with your spouse
- Be good to your spouse
- Be united with your spouse in parenting
- Make others praise your spouse
- Do not commit adultery against your spouse