Have you found “Proverbs” to be “catchy?” As in, the way they’re worded make them easy to remember? I think they’re not only catchy, but so practical. Remember I said how Proverbs covers most if not all of life’s situations? So for instance, last week I was invited by my six year old to play Phase 10. I accepted the offer, and began to immediately talk trash. I’m the king of trash talk, and I was already using my trash talk as a psyop on my six year old to beat her in Phase 10. While I was going on about how badly she was going to lose, and how she didn’t stand a chance, that she should probably just quit before we evern start, I heard a voice from down the hall. It echoed over all the din, and was like a voice of one calling in the desert. It was my 13 year old daughter, and she was saying, “Pride goes before a fall!” I scoffed and laughed at such nonsense.
Remember how I said Proverbs is true? After losing five straight hands I was thoroughly convinced that yes, indeed, “pride goes before a fall.” I really can’t understand how a six year old is so good at card games – whether its Phase 10, Uno, Play Nine, No Limit Texas Hold Em….and no matter how much I tried to throw a Proverb in her face, “Do not gloat over your enemies,” it was useless – she was reveling in her sweet victory over her humble ole dad.
Proverbs not only instructs us on the wisdom of humility, but it also instructs us in another area of life: friendship. Our sermon title today is: “The Wisdom Of Friends.” Now, the way that is worded it can mean two things – and I mean it in both ways. I mean it first in the wisdom friends offer to us. But when I also mean it in the sense that having friends shows your wisdom. Choosing friends, and choosing them wisely, shows your wisdom. The wisdom of friends.
Maybe I should pose a question here: Do you have a friend? Not someone you say “Hi” to at church. Not someone who merely likes the same activities as you. But a friend. In his book “The Problem With Happiness” Dennis Prager says “I have been taken aback to learn how many people do not have close friends.” He goes on to say, “a happier life necessitates finding and making close friends. Yet few adults make finding friends a priority.”
The priority of friendship is something human beings have recognized all throughout history from ancient philosophers to our founding fathers to theologians. For instance, the ancient Cicero’s wrote an imaginary conversation between an aged “Laelius” where he told his much younger audience “I can only urge you to rank friendship above all other human concerns.” Anyone who’s had a friend knows the treasure it is. More recently, C.S. Lewis said, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that gives value to survival.” Polonius said in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, “The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel.” Thomas Jefferson spoke of John Adams as a friend, “[he] has a heart formed for friendship and all its finest feelings.”
We would do well to form our hearts the same, and learn the lifelong art of friendship. In this “social” media world where everyone is supposedly so “connected”, I urge you to emphasize friendships, and be a devoted friend. Be a wise pick for someone else who’s looking for a friend. Find your Jonathan, and when you do, be his David.
#1: THE WISE CHOOSE FRIENDS WISELY
The first point to make is that “the wise choose their friends wisely.” Proverbs 12:26 says, “The righteous choose their friends carefully.” The word for “choose” is interesting, it means “to spy out,” or “to examine.” It’s like looking something over before buying. Or like the Israelites spied out and examined the Promised Land before they went in. It has the idea that we spy out and examine someone before we make them our friends. We give careful thought to who we attach ourselves to in friendship. Which is maybe why the NET translates it as “The righteous person is cautious in friendship.”
Seems pretty common sense, don’t you think? Maybe that’s why pagan philosophers also said it, like Cicero said about caution in entering into friendship, “You must judge before loving, not love before judging.” The wise person chooses their friends wisely. We don’t choose people who are popular because they’re popular and hope that will make us popular. We don’t choose friends because we have an angle to get something from them, like Proverbs 19:4 says, “Wealth attracts many friends,” or 19:6, “everyone is the friend of the one who gives gifts.” We don’t make friends with people because we think we can get things from them – how selfish and manipulative.
Choosing friends like that would reveal a lot about us, wouldn’t it? And that’s just it: what is your friendship for? In his book, Living And Dying Well, Cicero wrote a chapter on friendship and he says, “we don’t seek friendship with an expectation of gain, but regard the feeling of love as its own reward. He calls it beautiful and natural a “friendship that is sought in and for itself.” It’s descriptions like that from Cicero that make me think if he ever had access to the OT in his time. If he did, I’m sure he would’ve highlighted the friendship love that David and Jonathan had. That friendship is probably best expressed in those famous words of David, lamenting the death of his best friend, in 2 Samuel 1:26.
#2: WISE FRIENDS IMPROVE EACH OTHER
Which leads to the second point: wise friends improve each other. Wise friends improve each other’s character and wisdom and faith. Turn with me to Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another.” Then turn to 13:20… “Walk with the wise and grow wise” You see how friends improve each other, they “sharpen” each other, and our wisdom helps each other.
The friends we keep say a lot about us. If you make wise friends you show your wisdom. But you show your own foolishness by the fools you surround yourself with. Notice the last half of 13:20, “But a companion of fools suffers harm.” It’s similar to Paul’s warning in 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Bad company corrupts good character.” But keep in mind the opposite is true too, “Good company improves good character” and therefore you show your wisdom by the wise friends you surround yourself with.
We are familiar with the proverb, “Iron sharpens iron.” We know that we need each other to be “sharpened.” But, notice it says IRON sharpens IRON. Iron and iron. Sharpening only happens when friends are “equals.” We should not be unequally yoked in marriage, and we should not be unequally yoked in friendships. Meaning, we should find people who equally love God and the Scriptures, who equally are devoted to the friendship, who equally contribute good things to the friendship, and as you will build them up they will build you up. If your friends are the bar-hopping, partying, rowdy, sleep around, dishonest, drama-queen and drama-king types, or the live for their flesh types, or the kind whose moral compass is formed more by cultural fashion, then you are unequally yoked. *Or – or, maybe you’re not? Maybe your Christianity is really just a disguise?
What I’m getting at is that those who are wise, have friendships where they improve each other. They improve each other’s faith, godliness, wisdom and character.
So it may go without saying, but the wise avoid making friends with fools. Proverbs 14:7 says, “Stay away from a fool, for you will not find knowledge on his lips.” The wise avoid maing friends with the corrupt and evil as well. Turn to Proverbs 1:10, 15. The first piece of wisdom a father gives in this book is what kind of company his son should avoid. Avoid fools, evildoers, and the corrupt. Its the same in Psalm 1:1, the very first words of the book of Psalms is the same as the first advice of Proverbs: who you keep company with. “Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers…” This theme of avoiding fools and evil people as the company we keep is throughout Scripture. Many are familiar with the old adage: “Bad company corrupts good character.” But many may not know that that is the Apostle Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 15:33.
Christians who are wise create friendships where they improve each other.
#3: THE WISE HAVE DEVOTED FRIENDSHIPS
Next we see that the wise forge devoted friendships. Their friendships are characterized by devotion. With this idea of devotion turn with me to Proverbs 17:17…. “A friend loves at all times…” Then turn over to 18:24, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Then finally turn to 27:10, “Do not forsake your friend, or a friend of your family…”
If we’re going to learn from Proverbs how to live wisely, then we need to form friendships where great devotion can be experienced. Where we love at all times and are loved at all times, where we stick close and are stuck close to, and with whom we won’t be forsaken. The unfaithfulness of friends is seen in verses like Proverbs 19:4, “Wealth attracts many friends, but even the closest friend of the poor person deserts them.”
It’s the kind of devotion seen in Job’s friends the first 7 days they were with him. Those first 7 days they just sat in silence with him, while he sat silently in his anguish. They were with him, bearing his burden, mourning with him as he mourned. They were devoted friends. They blew it on day 8 but they were amazing days 1-7 in their devotion.
It’s like David and Jonathan’s devotion to each other. It was expressed in 1 Samuel 20:42, where after Jonathan saved David from his father, King Saul, said farewell as David went off into exile and left David with these words “Go in peace, David, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD.”
Wise Christians build devoted friendships.
#4: THE WISE SACRIFICE FOR THEIR FRIENDS
Wise friendships are sacrificial. The wise Christian sacrifices for his friends. We’re going to hop out of Proverbs and make this point from John 15:13…..
Jesus says “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Friendship is characterized by love, and love is characterized by sacrifice. There is nothing, short of my faith and my character, that I won’t give up for my friends.
#5: THE WISE OPEN UP TO THEIR FRIENDS
Remaining in John 15 a minute, I want to see one more point about friendship. Notice verse 15….
Jesus says they are His friends, and as such, they are privileged to know things that “servants” don’t get to know. The principle, if I can draw one out, is that in friendship there is an openness, a transparency, a full disclosure. People can know things about me, but my friends have access the rest don’t have. My friends know me like everyone else doesn’t. I open up with my friends like I won’t with others. It’s like Peter, James and John were closer to Jesus than the other disciples. It’s like the Levites were allowed further into the Jewish Temple than the rest of the Israelites. My friends are let into the “Holy of Holies” of my life.
Friends are open with each other. Another way this is seen is by taking each other’s advice. Turn to Proverbs 27:9….[read] Notice the pleasantness, the sweetness of your friend, includes their heartfelt advice. Let your friends have a voice into your life. In friendship there should be an openness with your friend, a freedom you feel unlike with anyone else. Reading the letters of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams to each other in their later years they describe this very thing. They had an absolute trust and respect for each other which allowed a full revelation of each other’s thoughts.
APPLICATION: Give someone freedom to be open with you, and even to bring challenges and criticism. Find someone whom you think pleasant in the way they give you advice in life. Find someone who does the same with you and gives you that same access, and finds you delightful when you bring advice
Now be careful, some people think that friendship is all about telling someone how to live and fixing them. That’s not what I’m talking about. Fixing dysfunction is not a good basis for romantic relationships, and it is not a good basis for friendships either.
I’m not going to give everyone a voice into my life, but I would be a fool to give no one a voice. And I’m wise if I choose people who are wise to be my friends who can then have full liberty to speak wisdom into my life. Its an attitude that I adopt, that I may not like this person over here saying things to me, but if my friend says it, then my heart is wide open to him as he says it.
I found these thoughts were already articulated long ago by Cicero when he said, “Let this be the first law of friendship: seek only good from friends, do only good for the sake of friends – and don’t wait to be asked! Be always attentive! Banish hesitation! Be ready to give advice freely! Take seriously the good advice of friends. Be ready to offer it openly, even forcefully, if the occasion demands – and also be ready to follow when its been offered.”
THE WISE MAKE THEIR MARRIAGE A FRIENDSHIP
I’ll throw this in as a bonus point: The wise make their marriage a strong friendship. In the intimate book, Song of Songs 5:16, the woman says about her husband, “His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend.” His mouth is sweetness itself – she must not have smelled his morning breath yet.
Let me make two points. First, do not make “friends” with the opposite sex. The kind of friendship I’m describing today is not a friendship that is appropriate between a man and a woman. This is even more inappropriate if you’re married. If you’re a married man you would be foolish and I would even argue it could be sinful to have a close woman friend. And the same thing goes for a married woman – do not make a man a close friend. *If* I have to justify that to you you can take it prima fascia proof you are not a wise person. If you’re agreeing in your heart then you are wise.
Second, If you’re married, begin making your spouse your best friend. If you’re not married, don’t start your search for a spouse by looking for a spouse. Start by looking for someone who would make a good friend.
CONCLUSION:
If we are going to be wise, let us choose wise friends. Let me press it further, I think wisdom means friendship is something we ought to pursue, not something that is optional. The wisdom here in proverbs is not there simply in case you decide to enter into friendship with someone. It’s there making friendship an obligation as part of a wise life.
Who are your friends? Who are the people in your life that you allow to have the most influence over you? What kind of friend will you be? Where in your goals is friendship? Put it high.
Abraham was called a friend of God (Jms 2:23). He was God’s friend because he believed God. Are you God’s friend? The Bible says before we come to Jesus Christ we are enemies of God in our minds (Col. 1:21). But when we put our faith in Jesus Christ we become a friend of God. Jesus offers you His friendship. He showed the greatest love for His friends by giving up His own life for them, remember He said, “No greater love has anyone than to lay down his life for them.” No one has greater love for you, or a greater desire for you to become His friend than Jesus. He proved it by dying for you. Receive Him today as your friend. Put your faith in Him, the one who died for you and was raised to life again.